5, 6, 7, 8, 9: Ten

As we all are aware, life happens. It happens abruptly and brazenly and it doesn't have a care for if you've braced yourself, or prepared, or made arrangements for it; it just happens. With that poor excuse in hand, I'll acknowledge that I've done an awful job at updating this blog. I've had tests, and projects, and finals, and photo shoots, and I've been sleepy and cleaning and runnin' around, but my baby is growing and changing and I can't afford to miss a beat of it so let me tell you what Sun's been up to. 

Five:

drank from a bottle

first hike. first tick.
first time being baby-sat. by my mom. for less than 3 hours.

rolls over
sleeps in crib
started crawling
became a thumb sucker

Six:
fast crawler
sits up on her own

stands with one hand holding on to furniture

holds up her arms to us

crawls to us

knows her name

knows who "daddy" is

eats baby food (sort of). her first was sweet potatoes

teething begins

still loves Paul McCartney's croonin'

tags. tags for days. 

Seven:

loves cords. loves tags

..and anything attached to a video game console

stands up unsupported

has two perfect pokey little teethies

looks for mom when someone else is holding her

gets excited when dad comes home for lunch breaks

still loves Paul McCartney and the Mamas and the Papas

crawls like a speed racer

Eight:
took her first few (unsupported) steps! yikes!
not the world's best eater. (except for boobs)
absolutely loves to watch videos of herself
...or look at pictures of herself


Nine:
first time iceskating. WAHOO!

stranger danger
waves "hi" and "bye"
...mostly at herself in the mirror. or at mom. or at dad.
loves to read the barnyard dance book
favorite "toy" is a toothbrush (this has been going on for a while)
says a lot of "da da da"
...but "ma ma ma" when she cries
is a little better at eating other things
first time really being sick/ first ear infection
is mom's biggest fan.
...and follows mom around like crazy
likes to pet Houdini (family cat)
only weighs 15 lbs.
tiny but strong

Ten:

Walking everywhere

shakes her head yes

understands some signs: eat, hungry, play

Dances

Loves "big kids"

went to the temple

starting to sleep better

eats almost anything

gives kisses

plays with her hair when tired or eating

So there you have it. There's a peak into the life of a ten-month-old Sunnie.
She's one of the happiest, smiliest, silliest babies you'll ever meet.
She is so smart and fun to spend my days with. She's walking and getting closer to talking and I just wonder how she sees the world. It is so strange to see how independent she is- this baby that once was physically a part of me. There is no belly holding her close and keeping her safe. She's had bumps and bruises and she's been sick and cold and it's hard as her mother to not be able to so easily protect her from those things, and I thought that I would be so scared of that, and sometimes I am, but sometimes I am just so happy that she can explore this world and enjoy it and learn from it and grow in it. Teaching her is one of the most beautiful feelings my soul has ever known. And it won't always be easy. I know. I hope I will always see beauty in helping her learn, even when it is tough. You know.

Four: Sweet Dreams 'til Sunbeams Find You

So coincidentally, Sun became four months old on the very same day that a year ago, at roughly four in the morning, I awoke from a dream in which I was pregnant. And so it goes, that on August 4th 2012 during that early dawn hour, I slipped quietly into our dingy poorly lit Main Hall bathroom/kitchenette, and in my semiconscious state I read the instructions of a pee stick that I had laying around from the Winter of '12 birth control scandal (another story for another day) and waited silently and anxiously for a blurry pink plus sign that would mark the beginning of a whole new life for me, for us. And as I wondered if my eyes were even working correctly, I tiptoed over to a Jordan deep in slumber, flipped on our red desk lamp and while holding up the plastic tube, I said in a loud whisper "What does this look like?" and his squinty-eyed and slurred reply was something along the lines of "It looks like you're pregnant" and I just wasn't sure if it was real life. And here we are now and Sunnie is as real as ever and I still am often confused and awake in the middle of the night and wake Jordan up to ask him questions that I probably know the answer to and that's my real life.

This past month Sunnie had her first experience at the beach. And swimming. And she got to spend time with her Pop Pop and Nana and family. And by the end of the month, she was once again getting shots, but she didn't have an awful experience like she did when she was two months old. She is just so alive and so happy and loves to see the world.

At four months, Sunnie:

Can sit up from any given incline.

Loves to be standing up. With assistance, of course

Loves to smile at herself in the mirror

Wants to hold anything and everything. My hair, my hand, a toy, her feet, whatever

Sucks her hands. Often.

Usually sleeps through the night

Loves to look at pictures

...and books

Is a lover of music

Smiles always. Laughs often.

Enjoys the company of Baby Monkey or Mr. Giraffey

Naps like mom

Still looks like dad

She makes me love people more. Care more. Want more- from this world, from myself. Sometimes, I just stare at her and I cannot get over it. She is heaven right here with me. She is perfect. She is really everything.

Three: Born! In the U.S.A.!

The day has crept away from me and it's now 1:17 a.m. and my baby is so peacefully asleep beside me and I just can't follow suit- and I am adding to what I have written before which I now realize began in the same fashion. I would delete this now, but I think there is meaning in it.

***

Sometimes, it's 2:45 a.m. and everyone is sleeping but you, and you lay awake thinking about things that you can't do now or maybe ever and you know you should probably go to sleep, but you just don't. And sometimes that happens a lot.

Several weeks ago, my Grandma Gloria passed away. And it was a strange thing, because I hadn't seen her in so many years, and so suddenly I began to sink beneath the present day into the thick musty nostalgia of my childhood. This my friends, is a dangerous thing, because there you will feel so flooded by the warmth of innocence that it becomes frightening to return to the surface. After moments of thinking and remembering, I felt so sick with regret that I wanted to puke. I wished I would have visited with her more. I wished that I knew more about her.

When my dad called to tell me she was not doing well and that it wouldn't be long, I planned to bring Sunnie to meet her. It was important to me that this happened. My heart needed it, and so did my soul. She passed away the night before we were going to visit her. I found out that morning.

I never knew much about her and I don't know why, but I just didn't. My dad told me that she wanted Sunnie to have a quilt that she had. We found the quilt in her room, along with a scarf and a photo of her with my dad at the beach when he was just one year old and we took these things and left. And when I looked at the quilt, I saw that ironically, it had little suns all over it. I don't know how, or why, or what made it happen, but on that trip my dad told me about her and about his childhood and about things I had always wondered about but had never really asked. And suddenly, my soul felt whole, and I became aware that something had been gone from it all this time. And on the ride home the sun was setting, and it was so giant and orange that I almost felt as if I were breathing it in.

My Grandma Gloria weighed one pound when she was born and her parents brought her home in a shoebox. She struggled physically and mentally her entire life because of it, but she lived. A one pound baby in 1938 and she lived. It all made sense. Sunnie was here because my Grandma Gloria lived. There is absolutely no reason that she survived such a circumstance other than the fact that Sunnie was supposed to be here. And so was I. And so was my dad. And so was every single person that is, has been, and will be here in this strange spinning world. And I felt the presence of God so powerfully as I thought this. I just knew that she was important. That she HAD to be here so that I could as well. And this made me feel important and I felt purpose and purpose for all.

I think that one of the most valuable things this life can offer is hearing others' stories. When I was young, I read The Bell Jar and it changed my life. And The Catcher in the Rye. It changed my life too. And I would think to myself, if I never would have read this story, I would've robbed myself of part of who I am. Do you understand what I mean? I feel like we need to know about what others go through and about their lives and what broke their heart and what filled it. We are not just one person that is so completely untouched by the moving and grooving of all the other people in this world. In this life, we float by others and the dust from their worn and weathered beings brushes off and onto ours and sometimes we chose to pat it off, and sometimes maybe still some remains upon us, and then sometimes we choose to let it be. I am so grateful for the lives of others that have inspired mine. I am so grateful for knowing that I am not just me- that there are people whose dust rests on my shoulders, and for their stories which help me to see beyond my own world. And I hope that I won't be too proud or too busy so often, and forget that. That Sunnie is here, because somebody else was here. That my life is meaningful because somebody else's was.

And by her three months here, Sunnie:

• Has laughed. One of the most beautiful wonderful moments I've been a part of on this Earth. And she has only done it one and a half times so far, but I was so grateful that Jordan was able to experience it with me. Truly, truly a blessing.
• Is completely aware of me. She really knows me and looks for me and interacts with me and likes me.
• Finds entertainment in kicking her hanging car (which she prefers over the hanging keys), looking at herself in the mirror (usually brings smiles, sometimes tears), playing in "Jungle World", and oddly enough diaper changes.
• Is a hand sucker.
• Grabs and holds onto things
• ...especially Giraffey
• And even more especially, her foot. She is maybe in love with her left foot. She, by some unnatural force/desire, is able to pull her foot to her mouth and has even made mouth-to-toe contact. I am both puzzled and impressed. This is her thing.
• Ditched the mullet for a semi-bowl cut. I mean, it makes sense in the historical order of style though. I suppose curled bangs and crimping is just around the corner and then probably the "Rachel" from friends.
• Is now sportin' size two dipeys. And depending on her mom's ability to make a decision and quit being a fence-sitter, maybe cloth dipes soon instead. (I just can't freaking decide okay? Sue me.)
• Wants to talk. She makes so many noises now and I can tell she's got somethin' to say.

So guys, maybe this is what being adult is- making doctor appointments for someone else and getting rid of (almost) all of your band t's. Sure, sometimes I eat cheesecake for breakfast...at 12 p.m. and yeah maybe I still self consciously feel that people think I'm a teen mom when I'm at the grocery store and wearing my kid brother's basketball shorts, and most of the time I don't know how to properly operate Netflix and have to call Jordan at work to walk me through the steps, but you know- I think I'm really starting to believe I'm an adult. I always thought of my mom as "a mom" you know- like as a grown-up- but I'd bet money that she didn't always feel like it, in fact I know she didn't. I guess that's what's important though, that you do what you can for your kids so that they see you as the "grown-up"- the one that's got it together. Kids need that. I guess that's all you can do. Give it your all. Get rid of your Jimi Hendrix tee shirt and stick it to your phone-anxiety and just make those appointments. And when you eat dessert items for breakfast in the late afternoon, you'll remember how much love you have for that baby and you kind of just feel okay about it. And you remember that there are millions of other almost-twenty-six-year-olds out there eatin' cheescake for breakfast too, and if they're not- they are doing something else they feel insecure about and they have their story too.

Just the ol' pooping face

Second stage pooping face

"No I did not just poop, why do you ask?"

Favorites from this past month

Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games

Sometimes, she like to hold her little pringle ears. Most of the time, she likes to cuddle Giraffey

Toes: My favorite of the food groups

Spent the 4th at Great Grams' house and enjoyed the company of this frog

Two: "Check it and see"

Time has never been a friend of mine. Of course I am writing this two weeks past when I was supposed to, and I'd like to blame "having a newborn baby", but quite frankly, Sunnie is a really easy goin' kid and I'm just really crappy at punctuality.

The finale of Month Two was highlighted by our first real scare as parents (other than when we were walking out of the hospital, fresh new baby in tow, and the nurses were like "alright kids, you're on your own now" and I realized I no longer would have daily room service and someone to tell me immediately if the snorting sound my baby was making was normal). Sunnie had her two-month check-up, during which she received a handful of vaccinations. I didn't know that the vaccinations were happening at that appointment so I wasn't prepared with a lifetime supply of internet literature to help me decide if we should go through with it or not, so I made a quick decision to trust the doctor, who had gone to medical school, unlike myself. Any-who, so the doctor tells me that babies will either mega-sleep or mega-freak after the vaccinations. She tells me what to do if the babe gets a fever and blah blah and blah. I'm obviously not able to listen because Sunnie is being a little fussy at this point. So after the shots, we head home with a mega-sleeping Sunnie. Good. Because that means I didn't have to remember the other stuff the doctor told us.

Rookie mistake, folks. We get home and Sunnie is totally out. A few hours pass and I'm gettin' things done around the house wasting my life away looking at Grumpy Cat memes or something equally worthless. Then out of nowhere, Sunnie lets out this blood-curdling cry. Naturally, I assume David Bowie has stolen my child whilst wearing the most incredible spandex pants imaginable.  I immediately jump up with the speed of a thousand cheetahs and pick her up. I run down the checklist- poops? no. hangry? no. bored? no. bitten by spider, snake, rabid squirrel, or scorpion (just some of my maternal fears)? no. She is just crying and crying and her little face is so red and this goes on and on for at least an hour straight.

So I'm bouncing her and rocking her and whispering "mommy's here" and all other things that you do when you are confused and worried about your new baby. She's never cried that way before so at this point my heart is racing a wee bit. So I whip out the thermometer and wedge it into her little baby armpit, which isn't easy because she's sort of flailing about. So with one hand I check her temperature, with the other I'm reading the instructions, and by use of magic I'm still holding and rocking her. Her temperature is just barely into the fever range, so naturally, I have a panic attack and think that I have to go to the hospital immediately. After calling Jordan in hysterics and once he is home, I rush to CVS, calling every eight seconds to ensure that he hasn't fallen down the stairs with Sunnie (another fear of mine) and that she is still breathing. Once at CVS, I literally look like I've gone mad- pacing the floor and desperately searching for infant Tylenol (which apparently is only sold as the generic version since it basically was the worst and then double the worst because it made me search desperately for it until asking the sales clerk who informs me that they no longer sell it because it's the worst). 

So frantically, I race home- like as if I've got to stop a bomb from detonating or dismantle a nuclear weapon that's going to end the existence of mankind or a Chipotle just opened up in town- because that's how maternal instincts work. To make this already long story short- We administer the generic tylenol, Sunnie goes to sleep, and I quietly check her temperature throughout the night, which of course, I don't sleep during. Sunnie was fine, but it was terrible. I was traumatized. Folks, pay attention to your doctor.

Since becoming a parent, a minute hasn't gone by without imagining all possible things that could happen to Sunnie. When I'm in the shower, driving, sleeping, what have you, I am thinking to myself "is she okay", "is the bookshelf going to fall on her if there is a sudden earthquake", you know- all the typical worries of a parent. The exhaustions of a new parent are not the lack of sleep and the overabundance of diaper changes- it is the worrying. 

And not just because human babies are one of the very few creatures who are completely dependent upon their parents once they are born. But you see, I think I will worry always. Even when she is married and has her own babies. I will worry. And I'm okay with it, because if it means that it will help me to keep her safe in this world, that's really all that matters. 

So by two months new on this big blue planet, Sunnie

• Smiles all the time. She's a happy kid.
• Is a fairly decent sleeper. She consistently sleeps until four-thirty or so in the morning, so I at least have that block of time that I know I'll get some rest.
• Has kicked acid reflux to the curb. Still spits up a bunch though.
• Has been to the zoo. Slept the whole time.
• Is happiest in the mornings, right after the first diaper change.
• Loves all things that hang above her- fans, lights, dangling sheep, what have you.
• Always wants to look around. Doesn't wanna miss a beat. 
• Still loves for Paul McCartney to sing to her. I'm just going to assume she always will.
• Goes by the aliases Sundrop, Sunnie Bug, Sun, Baby Sunnie, Little Jordie, and Baby Mouse Ears (She has inherited her father's childhood set of ears)
• Has grown back some of the front of her hair. Has lost some of the back. Still has her alfafa spike.
• Is a guaranteed blue-eyed baby
• Isn't the swaddlin' type. She's more into the starfish. All extremities stretched out.
• Enjoys bath time

We still have an occasional foot-into-poop-dipey mishap, and I never know what day it is, but we're starting to "figure it out".

One: April Showers Bring May Flowers

On April 4th, my water broke. On May 4th, I had a one month old living, breathing, growing, baby.

The strange thing with having a baby is, never in my life would I have thought that eating, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, or being able to pee would become a luxury. Babies are inconvenient. They don't care that you are a healthy twenty-five year old who is about to poop your pants, they are gonna cry uncontrollably so that you can't lay them down and do your business. They are gonna spit up in your cleavage or pee on your bed and they are going to do it at the most inconvenient time imaginable. They are the Honey Badger and they don't give a bleep. But they are also the most beautiful, perfect, amazing beings this world could ever know. (They also are a pretty good buffer for awkward situations like oh, um, I guess I'll just pretend that I'm checking on my baby in her carseat while I sit here trying to avoid interacting socially with other mature adults). Sunnie is my best friend. She really is.

So if you're curious what Sunnie has been up to one month deep into this jungle we call life, she :

• Still loves "Let it Be" by Paul McCartney. She can be hysterical, but when that song comes on, she becomes completely calm. It was on the playlist I made for her and listened to while pregnant, so perhaps she finds it familiar
• Still looks like dad, but a little like mom also. Well, just her mouth but I'll take what credit I can.
• Likes to lift her head up all the time. She loves to look at the world.
• Went from weighing 6.9 lbs. when she was born to 8.12 lbs. at her one month check-up
• Has learned to appreciate diaper changes 
• Almost only cries after nursing. Acid reflux. The worst. 
• Sleeps the best at night (Thank you!)
• Has lost some of her baby hair. The front. So basically we're working with a baby mullet.
• Loves to stare at faces
• Has grown out of some of her newborn clothes (Oh, my heart)

It was never real to me, that I would be writing about my one month old baby. I just kinda never believed it would happen- even once she was here in flesh and blood- I still just can't believe it. The days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds- they are just melting off and away and I can't seem to hold on closely enough to them. I want so badly to remember every hair, every blink, every breath of her every moment and it frustrates me to the bone knowing that I can't. I just stare at this little tiny girl and cling to her tightly and fear for the day that she is no longer small enough to lay on my chest. When she cries, my heart breaks and when she smiles my heart bursts. She is just one month old and already changing and growing so quickly. There is a love and a truth that I have never known until the moment I heard her first cry and in that moment, that love and truth hit me so hard that I still haven't caught my breath.

She is my Sunshine and she is my moon and my stars and the sky and the air and absolutely everything and all at once and always.

Forty: Early Bird

Against all genetic odds, Sunnie came four days early.

At roughly two-thirty in the morning, my water began leaking (after a late night pee-trip and a handful of sour gummy worms from my Easter basket). I was a little confused and thought maybe I had peed myself, which I suggested when I called the hospital and spoke with the nurse. Once I was certain (the nurse told me to walk around and see if I continued "leaking"- I did), we started to grab our bags and last minute items to bring to the hospital. Jordan was calm and cool. I couldn't even think. On the drive to the hospital we both were pretty quiet, uncertain what the next hours would bring. When we arrived, the nurse confirmed that my water had indeed broke.

This was not the plan. I never thought my water would break. It wasn't at all like it is in the movies- water gushes, lady freaks out, hunches over in pain, rushes to the hospital. Nope. In fact, it was suspiciously uneventful. At this point, I hadn't even felt much more than what I believed to be Braxton Hicks. In my head, I'm thinking, Oh gosh, they are going to send me home. I innocently asked the nurse when she would check my cervix to see if I was far along enough to get to stay at the hospital (it's sort of weird to blog the word cervix). Oh you silly, silly girl, Pre-baby Jessica. The nurse politely sang Hotel California to me told me that basically once your water breaks, you don't leave without a baby. I was not leaving without a baby..

I would tell you about the next sixteen hours, but then I would be giving you a piece of my soul. There are things during those many many hours that I felt and experienced and endured with Jordan that have grafted themselves onto my bones and have become who I am. I just cannot give that away.

What I can tell you, is that there is nothing that could have prepared me for it. There is no book, no advice, no nothing that could have prepared me. There were moments when the pain felt so unrelenting that I truly thought I could not do it. I can tell you this though- that no human, nor earthly thing, could have carried me through such an experience. I remember praying aloud, or even crying aloud, to God to just be with me. I remember needing Him so desperately and in a cloudy haze of sheer anguish and turmoil, I remember Jordan whispering into my ear and I do not remember what he said to me, but I remember a moment of clarity and calm amidst all that was not. At 9:03 in the evening, mercy and love was shed upon me and our daughter was born into this world, safely and naturally, and immediate comfort followed. I will never, ever understand how I made it through. It is unfathomable. I can only think of this-

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not on thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths"
-Proverbs 3:5-6

In her first week of life, Sunnie

• Looks just like her Dad
• Hiccups just as much as she did in my belly. It's so sweet and miraculous to think that I used to feel those hiccups inside of my belly. Unreal.
• Loves for her Dad to hum to her. Her favorites are "I Am a Child of God", "Love One Another",  and the creepy song from the elf scene in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
• Has pooped, a lot, including three projectile poops which I have since figured out how to defend myself against
• Likes to be held and swayed by the fan
• Doesn't love diaper changes
• Likes her feet curled up, just like a little frog (she did this while in my belly also)

Now here I am, sitting here watching this tiny little girl, wondering where the time went, and my heart is breaking and full all at the same time. 

I remember when I awoke around four in the morning in early August, having dreamt that I was pregnant. I remember stumbling to the bathroom in a sleepy confusion and taking the test. I remember when I saw the two blue lines. I remember looking away and then at it again several times in utter disbelief. I remember the first time we heard her heartbeat. I remember the first time we saw her tiny hand and I remember counting to make sure she had all five fingers. I remember knowing she would be a girl and I remember finding out that she was. I remember crying all the time, worried for her- desperately wanting for her to be healthy and safe and I remember desperately waiting to feel her move. I remember holding my hands on my belly and feeling her rolling and kicking and trying to imagine what she looked like. 

I remember it all and I remember how badly I wanted to hold her and see her- and now she is here and she has changed so much already

I want to cry because I'm happy and I want to cry because I'm sad. I'm sad because in every moment I remember, I remember thinking that time was going so slowly and I just wanted her to be here. And I remember being in labor and the pain was so unearthly that I thought I would never get through it. And I remember when I held her for the first time in both of our lives and I remember leaving the hospital and wondering how I would figure out "being a mom" once I was home and I remember sitting here beginning to write this all down and that's just how quickly time does go by. The other night Jordan and I sat and watched her sleep and I cried. I just am so overwhelmingly terrified that if I blink, she'll grow up and I'll miss it. I don't even know why I am saying all of this, but I guess it's just so that one day I can read this and remember that one time, Sunnie was a little baby and she was absolutely perfect and I loved her so powerfully and she was the closest to God I had ever been. I hope I never forget feeling this way and I hope my heart doesn't break too much as she grows, because that is a wonderful thing. It truly is wonderful that one day, she will love certain music and have certain passions and think her own thoughts and wonder about the world and learn to know God all on her own. 

I love who she is and I love that she can become.

I am scared and I am happy and I know that she was meant to be here with us. I know that with every fiber of my soul. 

Thirty-Nine: You Are My Sunshine

She is here and she is beautiful and I have so much I could say, but I am overwhelmed with such deep love and amazement, that it wraps around the soul so tightly and takes all breath away.

Sunnie Ana Rose Sorensen
April 4th, 2013

Thirty-Eight: 10, 9, 8

and a Happy Easter

The end of this week began the single-digit count down of days until Baby's due date.

First of all, folding baby clothes takes the same skill-set as creating Origami. I still don't get how you fold something that tiny. Maybe I'll become so super good at it, that I'll make little animals like they do at fancy resorts with the hand towels. Probably not, whatever.

This week has been mostly ordinary. It started with snow on the ground and ended with beautiful seventy-degree Spring weather. The middle week was a blur of yoga pants and unwashed hair. I'd have to say that the absolute best part of this week was that Summer, one of my most favorite people of all time, returned home from a year and a half long mission. Other exciting and wonderful news includes the birth of the first (two) babies from our Centering group- a set of healthy twin girls. Other new babies were born this weekend to friends as well.

And that just blew me away- that these other girls, who have been sort of going through this all along with me, have their babies here now. That means that I will too, and I just cannot fathom it. I am as prepared as I can be- bags packed, ready to go- but nothing, absolutely nothing, could prepare me for our baby to actually enter this world- to be able to really hold her and see her. It is just so beyond what I understand of this world, and it makes me so profoundly certain that there must be a God- it shakes me to the core.

So now it's the waiting game. Day and night, my mind is restless. I've chosen not to be checked for dilation, so I have no idea where things are at progress wise. All I know, is that soon enough, I will be somebody's mother in the most eternal and tangible way.

Look at these monsters. One day, I'll have ankles again

Thirty-Seven: Belly Full

Here we are. Both full-term and full-load.

With three exams this week, I was able to keep myself fairly occupied, so the week went by quickly. Friday, we had our first "week-to-week" appointment. My Strep B test was negative, so of course that was good news (not that I really understand what Strep B is). I expected some kind of cervical exam, basically one of the super personal kind to tell if I had any progress, but not this time. It was by far the quickest appointment we have ever had during our pregnancy. Since we've met all of the midwives minus one, so we scheduled our next appointment with her.

Saturday, I met my mom in Roanoke to shop for all the last minute baby items. There are few things I less than shopping, especially at the mall, and even more especially pregnant. Mostly, I got what I needed, but at the price of my feet's comfort. By the end of the evening, I considered a wheelchair. Going along with that, let me list you several items worth the money while pregnant and items that are not. (Here's my unsolicited advice for you):

Worth the $

• Comfortable shoes- I would recommend one casual pair and one dressy. By dressy, I don't mean heels- unless, that is, you are a complete idiot. But seriously, spend a little extra here. The only pair I've bought while pregnant was from Walmart a week ago- I'm an idiot.
•  Maternity pillow- You don't have to buy the most expensive one out there, but you do absolutely need one. I have two which I sometimes use interchangeably or together. Totally worth it. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all without one.
• A good bra- I didn't, but you should. I just now finally bought a couple of sports bra type bras, but they are a little more comfortable. The past couple of months, my boobs have hated me. Don't make your boobs the enemy. 
• Maternity tank tops- Just two to three. And just tank tops and if you're wise, in neutral colors. They are longer and stretchier than regular tank tops and they can expand your pregnancy wardrobe by adding length to regular shirts.

Don't bother

• Maternity clothes- Goodwill it. I bought a few actual maternity items from Old Navy and Motherhood. They were super expensive and I grew out of them in just a couple of months or even less. At some point, I grew a brain and started going to Goodwill like once a week. You can find some really cute stuff and you are saving so much money. I even found some maternity clothes at Goodwill that were name brand and really nice. You will grow and grow and grow until the baby's born so there is absolutely no point in spending a bunch'a money on maternity clothes from department stores. And honestly, if you can- don't bother with jeans. Leggings and dresses are essential if you want to be comfortable.

That's all I got for ya now, but seriously, this is pretty valid advice. 

Well week thirty-seven was short but well-lived. I have waited so long to say that I'm full-term, and now that I can, it is all too surreal. Sometimes I'm just hanging out and thinking thoughts and then suddenly it really hits me- like right in my heart, so heavy I can feel it- that any day now, I can become a mother, that I will be one. That I will be the most responsible person in the entire world for this little person's life. And I just cannot fathom it. I can't really believe such a thing, because it is the most powerful, wonderful, intimidating, beautiful thing I can imagine. But it will be real. I don't know what to say. It is too profound for words really. 

So as I sit here, at 2:40 a.m. with heartburn, acid indigestion, puffy legs, swollen feet, and insomnia, I try to remember that soon enough, I will never just be me again. I'll be a mother. And I will never be pregnant for the first time with my first baby again. There will be no other experience just like this one. So I have to remember that. Even when it takes a fifteen-step process to roll to my other side and even when I wake up to pee at 7:00 a.m. and can't fall back asleep until 8:50 and have to wake up for class at 9:00, I have to remember that this time, these moments right now, are so precious in the grand scheme of things. I want to always remember that. 

Now here we are at the end of week thirty-seven. I am ready when she is. Even if I won't think so when it's time, I will be. Because I love her and I want to show her this world and how to be happy in it. And I can do that, just because I love her.

So, here we go.

Thirty-Six: Showered With Love

This week was gone as quick as it came.

At the beginning of the week, I was so terribly exhausted that I sort of just floated about the world in a languid fashion. If I made it to class, it was only in body. And I had so much to do. The sincere inability to sleep throughout the week probably was to blame. I am certain that this week was the worst for sleep that I've had thus far. 

Friday, we had our last Centering appointment. It was a bitter-sweet thing. I absolutely love to go to these appointments. I truly can't imagine a more effective and tender way to experience prenatal care. At the same time, I'm ready for our baby. So Friday, after class, I had begun to get ready for our appointment. When I got out of the shower, I felt oddly light-headed and nauseated. I sat down for a moment and then I started to feel some unfamiliar cramp-like pains in my stomach. I haven't experienced such a thing during my pregnancy, and certainly no nausea since the second trimester, so you can imagine I was concerned. I tried to lay down some, but it was no help. I didn't think that I was in labor, but I didn't feel right. After an hour or so, I decided to call and see if I could come for an earlier appointment. After waiting much longer than anticipated, we finally were called back. One of the midwives did the Strep B test (which I needed to have done anyway) and then checked to make sure everything was okay. She said that everything seemed fine and more than likely, it was just something I ate that had upset my stomach. She also said that our baby was dropped down into my pelvis (which is good) and that she had a nice round head, and let's just say she didn't do a sonogram to figure that out...yeah. So then we went to Centering. We had three people come speak to us including a mother who spoke on cloth diapering, a fire rescue squad member on properly installing carseats, and another mother on baby wearing. And then, just like that, we were finished. I'm a little sad, because I'm not sure I'll see all of the girls again, and we've kinda been going through this thing together this whole time. And since our daughter may be delivered by any of the midwives, I'm not sure when we'll see Mary (our instructor/midwife) again and she's been with us every step of the way. I am so grateful for the Centering program and the dedication, love, and support from Mary. We have learned and experienced things that we wouldn't have from typical appointments or books.

So from here on out, we are week-to-week appointments. The final stretch.

And then Saturday. Our baby shower was wonderful. We decided to do a "co-ed" baby shower because a) We don't discriminate b) I think that men should be more involved. Why complain about fathers not being as involved in parenting when we don't include them in baby showers, and all the pregnancy journals are targeted primarily and almost exclusively towards mothers and diaper bags and most of those products are mostly feminine and c) I just figured it'd be more fun to have Jordan there too along with our guy friends. So anyways, it was fun. I always feel awkward at events in which I'm the one being recognized (like our wedding, reception, and so on). I also feel strange receiving a bunch of gifts. I don't know. But really, I truly truly truly appreciate our friends and family who took time and/or effort to celebrate the upcoming arrival of our first child with us. It meant a lot to us and we are grateful. I also am beyond grateful for the stress, time, money, etc. etc. that my mom spent trying to make the day so special for us. I feel loved and blessed.

So now, at the end of week thirty-six, all that's really left to do is have our baby.

Easier said than done right?

Mobile from Baby S's Great Grandma Rose

Thirty-Five: Where the Heart Is

On Friday, March 8th at around 5:40 in the evening, it sounded just like the Spring time outside my window- and my heart became a little lighter and a little fuller and the world felt perfect in that moment- so perfect, that it could've lasted forever, and I'd be okay with it

So this week was Spring Break, and by Spring Break I mean a foot of snow and a day without electricity. So as you may have concluded, we were not somewhere warm on a boat or a beach. We were here in town on a wild house hunt.

This week, many sleepless nights were spent trying to organize my thoughts on where we are going to live and how to afford it. Fortunately, Jordan and I have done a fairly excellent job at saving money and living frugally. With that being said, there is a difference between what we can afford and what we can afford while still being able to save money. So with this in mind, we spent the week frantically searching. On Saturday, due to my anxious manner, we drove up and down the streets of Buena Vista searching for "For Rent" signs. I know that we don't need to move until May, but I also know that finding a place now, before we have a newborn, is much more sensible. Now I won't bore you with the endless details, but basically, something fell right into our laps. Something that was exactly what we needed. And truly, I didn't deserve it this day. I was irritable and grumpy and just all together ungrateful. It was pretty humbling to find somewhere so right for us, when I had been complaining all day. I felt like a total idiot. I should've known that God wasn't going to leave me hanging. He hasn't yet and I should've remembered that. So we found a home. A home that we can afford, while still being able to save money. A home that is perfect for where we're at right now- and really, that's all we needed.

So after this burden was lifted, I was able to relax a little more- well, mentally. Sleep has evaded me, and I hear that's sorta how the last weeks go. I am really exhausted, but I'm trying to do what I gotta do to finish the semester and be ready to be someone's mom.

Thirty-Four: Big Body and the Busy Bodies

Sometimes, you just have to cut the elastic on both sides of your glittery Christmas socks with a pocketknife while sitting on a barstool in a bowling alley so that your feet don't lose circulation and fall off. Because you're pregnant and now the [not] proud owner of a pair of cankles. Sometimes you can't fit a ringpop on any finger other than your pinky. Welcome to week thirty-four.

As of now, we officially have a crib for Baby S to sleep in. We have a diaper bag and a bag for Jordan and I semi-packed and ready to go for the hospital. Furniture is rearranged so that there's room for baby stuff and most of our apartment is packed up so that moving will be easier once Baby S is here. We are almost ready for D-Day, almost.

For the past couple of nights, I've woken up in the middle of the night with the worst charley horse of all time. Apparently that's a thing when you're pregnant. Other than that horror, things have been mostly stickin' to the usual. I feel a little more fat, a little less comfortable, and a lot more exhausted. But you know what? I'm doing pretty well in my classes and I feel good about that. I've missed very few classes for someone who is barely getting any sleep and in constant discomfort, so yeah- I'm proud of myself. I think the toughest part of right now is just not knowing when she'll be born. The good news is, Mom and Dad Sorensen have their plane tickets and will be here April 20th. We are absolutely thrilled, not only because it'll be great to spend time with them, but because that means that there really is a baby coming. 

When I think about seeing her and holding her for the first time I just want to cry. I can't even imagine what I will feel. I already feel so much. Of course I'm scared of contractions and labor and all of that, but I just can't wait for it to happen because then I'll know that she will really be here. I am so overwhelmed by the thought of it. We just love her so much. It's a strange, strange thing.

This week, we had our second-to-last Centering appointment (and after that, we will have weekly appointments). It's crazy. I was glad to see that within the past two weeks (since our last appointment), I've gained zero pounds. ZERO. So to everyone who has made "you're so big", "are you sure you're not having twins", "wow, how much have you gained", etc. comments- As of now, I have gained the recommended amount of weight for someone of my original weight and height. So thanks for the inappropriate, unsolicited, and hurtful comments, but I actually am measuring exactly where I need to be.

Which brings me to this- Never in my life have I received so much unsolicited and needless advice. Here's the thing- This is my body and my baby and quite frankly, I have a wonderful midwife with whom I can converse if I have any questions. I understand that most of the time, people are just trying to help, but if I need it, I'll seek it. And I do. I have awesome friends and family that have experienced childbirth and those are the people I want to discuss such personal matters with. I just have been overwhelmed lately with the comments and advice. Sometimes the comments and advice are kind and supportive, but more than often, they are condescending, belittling, and invasive. There's a huge difference between being caring and being curious.

There are so many decisions to be made during and after pregnancy, but we will figure out what is best for our family. I've done my reading, research, and what not- I got it covered.

We are really ready. We are ready to meet our daughter. I can't wait for her to see that she isn't alone- that there are people who are waiting for her, people who love her.

Thirty-Three: Lucky Number 7

Seven weeks to go and still a lot to do. This week, we set up the crib. This is real life people. Pretty soon, there'll be a baby in that crib. And I still don't know if I'm a grown up yet. You know, I think I get it a little though, you know, being a parent. We assume as children that our parents have it all figured out. From the moment we are born, we trust them to tell us what's right and wrong and to know how to fix it all. And most of the times they do maybe, but sometimes they don't- and then we get older and maybe we blame them for this or that or whatever, but you know, it's not like you wake up and just become this perfect person and always know what to do and the best way to go about it. It doesn't work that way. But the thing is- the heart of the matter- is that we try. Because babies are born into this world and are so pure that it almost seems like they shouldn't even be here, and they need us to try to figure it out for them- to make it a little easier and a little less heartbreaking. And when I think about this, I want to cry for all the children whose parents didn't try. Because here's the thing- Jordan and I are probably going to make mistakes as parents, I know that. But I also know that every decision I make, I'm going to try to know what's going to make this life here the best it can be for our children. And I'm going to love them always and in a way that I won't even understand. And when I think about it this way, I understand my childhood a little better.

So here I am now, just trying to figure it out a little more before she's really here. Between the lack of sleep and the cankles and the racing thoughts of what needs to get done, I'm just trying to be a little more aware that this isn't about me. That I won't be here one day, but my children will, and then their children and their children and their children- and I need to know what to do to make this world a little bit better for them. Because it really doesn't take much, but I think you've got to be aware of it. Aware of the difference that love makes, because it does. It always does.

What a hot dad

Thirty-Two: Head Over Heels

On Sunday, Grandpa Sorensen passed away. Although you're never ready to lose someone you love, it's comforting to know that he's no longer uncomfortable or in pain. I won't say much more, due to the personal and sacred nature of losing a family member, but I will say that Jordan and I can look at his family and see all that his Grandfather and Grandmother have accomplished together and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

___

So, they say you become more clumsy while pregnant.

During this week, I have fumbled and stumbled with everything that my fingers have touched. I spilled half a gallon of grape juice on the counter and floor, knocked an open water bottle over a time or two, my cleavage has caught more crumbs than *Jerry Rice has caught passes, and I almost side swiped a parked car while dusting off a Little Debbie cake that I dropped onto my lap while driving. Other baby mama problems this week include terrible short term memory and the inability to get up from any position other than standing. I'm out of breath and the baby's out of room. Her kicks and rolls have gotten especially poignant and much more often. I think she threw her sleep schedule out the window, because she's been on the move all day and night.

Baby Shower invitations are ready to go and would have, were it not for President's Day. Newborn and  0-3 months baby clothes are washed and folded, diaper bag is almost ready for D-Day, and we've begun rearranging so that we can fit a crib into this little apartment. Pretty much, we are just gettin' it together from here on out. I am in desperate need of finishing my birthing books and Spring Break couldn't come soon enough.

Things are getting along just fine. We are trying to enjoy this time now and not hope too much for the last several weeks to go by so quickly. It's tough, but one day this little girl will be an adult and I'll wish it was this time again. I hope that I can do the best I can now, 'cause now is what I've got.

One day, we'll show our daughter pictures of Grandpa Sorensen and she'll be able to understand how her family came to be. That's what it's about you know?

You've got to leave that when you go- people who love you and who know why you were here.

*I asked Jordan for a football player who catches the ball a lot. He said Jerry Rice.

Thirty-One: Single Digits

Where to start? 

First off, the count-down in weeks is finally in the single digits. Single digits.

This week, I might as well had been on Mars. After studying for two exams that I had on the same day and trying to take care of a bazillion other little things, my brain has probably left me for another woman. On a positive note, I got a lot done. On an even more positive note, Jordan created a beautiful tree picture for me (I've got a thing for trees) and my Christmas cactus has finally bloomed a big fat beautiful pink flower (only two months late). 

Baby S has been really active this week. Apparently neither of us are getting much sleep these days. Whenever someone tells me "You think you can't sleep now? Wait 'til you have the baby", I wonder if they've ever been pregnant. I wake up almost every hour- whether to pee, or because I've peed so much that now I'm thirsty, or whatever it is- I wake up.

Also, I legitimately think I swallowed Charizard. Tums just aren't cuttin' it these days. I think of all pregnancy symptoms, heartburn and acid indigestion have been the most prominent for me. That's alright by me though, because there are far worse symptoms out there and other than that, I've had a pretty easy pregnancy. 

My only concern right now is trying to keep up with the reading for classes, as well as the reading for the baby. I really want to finish all of the books I have about birth and what not, but I'm struggling to find the time to do so. I do feel mostly prepared. I really appreciate all of what I've read so far. 

So although it has been overwhelming, we've accomplished a lot of to-do's this week. We are taking care of all that we can do now and preparing for the arrival of our little girl into this world. 

Thirty: No really, THIRTY

Bam. Thirty weeks, just like that.

I remember how far away this point seemed, and it comforts me. A mere ten weeks to go, assuming that Baby Sorensen is punctual (which is unrealistic given that Jordan and I are her parents).

Things that have been on my mind lately include figuring out a baby shower date, planning for maternity photos, double fudge chocolate chip cookie dough blizzards from dairy queen, and cleaning up/packing up our apartment (or what they call "nesting"). I also have started a daily regimen of consuming red raspberry leaf tea and going on a three mile walk which, once my legs remember what walking is again, will become a five mile walk. I also have begun a mini workout that only takes a quarter of an hour.

This week has been somewhat tear-filled with overwhelming thoughts of passing classes and preparing to/having a baby, especially when every pregnant woman under the sun gave birth this week. Sorta makes you realize that this is going to happen. Because you know, sometimes you just forget you're pregnant...such as when you're brushing your teeth and you go to spit in the sink, but instead spit directly onto your belly because it is literally obstructing visual and physical access into the sink. But really, sometimes you just forget. You forget that you aren't just a giant globe, but that there really is a baby in there, that has to be born.

So here I am. Just sorting through my mind and trying to get my thoughts in order so that I can do what I gotta do to successfully finish the semester while successfully becoming a mother.

Jordan is great support, he's never missed an appointment and he lets me cry every now and then about real things and nothing.

Ten weeks. We can do this.

Twenty-Nine: First Comes Love

Then comes marriage

Then comes week twenty-nine, during which our stroller and carseat were delivered. Cool stuff. It's an absolutely beautiful stroller. I love it. I've been looking at this stroller and carseat basically since I found out I was pregnant. Now that it's sitting approximately ten feet from me, the reality of having a baby has become much apparent. Jordie and I had planned on waiting until closer to our baby's due date to make the purchase, but after having a friend deliver 2+ months early, we made the decision to go ahead and buy it.

In other news, It's been disturbingly cold. There are few things I enjoy less than cold weather.  This week it snowed several inches. Beautiful to look at through my window, painfully awful to be walking about in. Mind you, my coats do not zip. Not even close. And being pregnant generally isn't comfortable, let alone adding even more layers to your body which is already carrying an excess of 30+ pounds. I feel huge. I really wish that such superficial worries would subside, but I'm only being honest. It is particularly strange to see your body change so much and become so unfamiliar, but then again, somedays I don't remember what my body used to look like. Fortunately, I'm pretty funny most of the time, so skin, bones, and body aside, I'm still a big fan of myself. So that's good, of course.

Our baby is doing great. She still has a pretty predictable schedule. Without fail, she's rolling and tumbling about between 9 a.m. and 11:30 a.m., 2 p.m. and 4 p.m., 9 p.m. and 11:30 p.m., and 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. I wonder if this pattern will stick once she's out here in the world. Her kicks and rolls have become much stronger and sometimes even hurt a little. I don't mind it though, I love feeling her move and just knowing that she's really there.

I feel like I know her so well already. I know what she likes- like laying on my side, or a cup of warm tea resting on my belly. I know just how she'll respond. And I feel like she knows I'm here. That I'm not some anonymous womb that she has taken shelter within, but someone who cares about her. I feel that she knows that. And maybe that's crazy, but I don't think so.

Overall, week twenty nine has been wintery and cold, but to be so close to having our baby here with us- where we can see her and hold her- this week has been beautiful.

Twenty-Eight: Spoken from the Heart(burn)

When I hear Adele sing the words "There's a fire starting in my heart", I feel so touched. Like she knows just what I'm going through..

Heartburn.There's a myth that the more heartburn you have during pregnancy, the more hair your baby will be born with. Based on that assumption, I'm having a werewolf. If we were playing the "Desert Island" game, and I was still pregnant on this hypothetical island, I would take Tums and my maternity pillow. These are the most essential items during pregnancy, you should know that.

On a possibly related note, I have been on this crazy grape juice kick. Like, drinking a gallon in two days or less. I wouldn't say that I've had the weird "pickles and ice cream"cravings, but I've most certainly had these strange weeks of a particular craving. At first, there was grapefruit. Then bagels and cream cheese. Then pears, then pretzels, then apples with cheese and milk, and now grape juice. Cheerios have had a pretty consistent and ongoing role throughout my pregnancy, and I'm always down for some Chinese food (but not ever from Canton again- tastes like urine, well what I would imagine urine to taste like). Luckily most of my cravings have been for healthy food, however, I have eaten more sweets and candy during my pregnancy than I ever have in my entire life. There's another myth which says that if you crave sweets, you are having a girl. So yeah. Totally having a werewolf.

I have also been revisited by pregnancy brain. The other day, I tried to open my apartment door with the unlock button on my car key. I hit the button twice, annoyed that it didn't open the first time. I also peed on my hand (completely separate incident), but whatever, I don't want to talk about it.

We had our appointment on Friday, and all is well. No gestational diabetes, no anemia. Maybe drinking skim milk and exercising some is in my best interest. I've gained a little more than necessary (darn you chocolate milk. I've been drinking my calories like crazy). We watched more videos of live births. I cried like a baby.

Overall, I'm pretty content with week twenty eight. We got our first snow here in Virginia, the sun finally came out after a week of rain, and my Christmas Cactus has sprouted several little pink buds. We purchased our stroller and carseat and bought a few other items for Baby S. Time is flying and it's almost Spring.

Twenty-Seven: Sleepyhead

Week twenty seven was kicked off by the the beginning of Spring semester. I had originally planned on taking roughly twelve credits, but being the overachiever that I am (*I'm not. I'm actually a really great underachiever. It helps to keep expectations of you really low, so that when you do satisfactory work, people are super impressed), I ended up with sixteen credits. Go big or go home..and then go to sleep. Because that's what I've done this week. Sleep. Like a champion. In my typical food intake to naps ratio, naps are usually the underdog. Surprisingly, naps managed to win the title this week..if you include the day I fell asleep with a kingsize pack of sour punch straws next to my head. Apparently the key to success is eat a bunch of junkfood and take a bunch of naps, because I did brilliantly with reading all of the assigned material for my classes. I might include that I am taking Parenting, which is pretty cool given the current circumstance.

So overall, week twenty seven was spent mostly in my subconscious.

I don't have any fancy updates this week. We talked about our birthing plan, visited family in Maryland, and unexpectedly ran into old friends and family at church in Kensington. 

Although the events of my week may seem a tad-bit lackluster, the baby's week has been much more eventful. She now can open her eyes and blink and she's up to roughly two pounds. I am overwhelmed by the thought of how soon she will be here and I am preparing to the best of my abilities for her arrival.