Twenty-Four: Skinned Knees and Bruises

Six months. Wow. I know that we still have a ways to go, but I feel significant achievement in reaching six months nonetheless. This week has been simple. I really don't have much to say. I can't stop thinking about Sandy Hook Elementary. My thoughts have been consumed by images of children crying and being scared and parents not knowing what to do with Christmas presents for the child they lost and I just can't stop thinking about it. A quiet sorrow has been hovering over me this week, and sinking its claws into my mind. When Dan died, I was absolutely traumatized. I would close my eyes and just see his lifeless face, so I couldn't sleep and I couldn't close my eyes. And I couldn't understand how it happened, and I can't understand what happened to these children. I can't understand how there could be a deeper grief and pain than what I felt when Dan died, but these were children, and their parents are feeling a deeper grief and pain, and I can't understand how they can still live through this. How can they do this? How can they wake up in the morning, how can they sleep. I just have to know that God is with them. I have to know that. I wonder if those children who died are watching their parents mourn and grieve, and I hope not. I hope that they don't have to see that. And I know that God is taking care of it, but it's so hard to know that. 

I know that this is all repetitive from my last post, but I just want to know that children can be children. I want to know that when our daughter is a child, her only worry will be why the mean kid in class called her a "shrimp" and the toughest thing that we'll have to explain to her will be her pet hermit crab dying.

Children should be able to be children. I will never forget about Sandy Hook Elementary. Our daughter will know that we love her every day. 

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have."- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It's a gloomy day and I just wish it would rain.

Twenty-Three: No Title Would Suffice

So, in a strange turn of events, I have regressed into a toddler.

I have at several moments in the past week convinced myself that I could solely eat sliced apples, cheddar cheese, and milk for the remaining months of my pregnancy. Oddly, I have been craving these pre-school snack time meals all week.

Even more bizarre, I have managed to be a responsible adult and conquer all  of the much dreaded bullet points on my to-do list this week. There were seven. Seven things I had to do, and believe me, doing all seven was a huge life accomplishment for me. Like, I felt like Neil Armstrong ("That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"). I kind of don't do things usually.

Then Friday. I spent much of Friday morning and noon listening to live news about Sandy Hook Elementary School. I really can't say much else other than I just simply can't imagine. I can't imagine. I remember that while getting myself dressed and what not, I stood at the mirror brushing my hair and thought- None of those children will ever brush their hair again, and none of their parents will be able to brush their hair for them again. And it was so real. And it wasn't just the news  or some place I've never been, but it was real, and for a small moment, I understood. But that was all, just that moment, and then it became the news again. And I am thankful for that moment. And I know that this all might sound strange or not make much sense, but I remember a moment like that before and it was when my friend Dan died.

Later that night I got a call from my mom and she said my Grandma was in the hospital. My Grandma is my best friend, she just is. I hadn't talked to her much this week and it had been on my mind. I had called her Thursday night and she didn't answer and I didn't feel okay about it. So when my mom called, it made sense. My Grandma is stable now, but I just thought the whole time- from when my mom called, during the ride to Maryland, during the time in the hospital, and the ride home to Virginia- I just thought that I couldn't imagine having our baby born in a world that didn't have my Grandma in it. I just couldn't imagine it. And I felt so broken-hearted. I felt so sad for the parents and families of those who died in Newtown and how they would have to somehow continue to live in this world. And I thought how at some point those moms felt those children in their belly kicking and moving around and wondering what they would look like and who they would become. I thought how the gunman's mom felt that too. Then I just didn't want to think about it anymore.

I don't really know why I'm saying this, but I just hope that we can all try not to take things for granted. We do it every day, but I hope that we all can try not to too often. And I hope that when we have moments, like the one I had while brushing my hair, we can remember them. Because that's sort of what makes our time on this earth important- when we really understand something, even if only for a second- because usually we just are sort of fumbling through, doing things that we don't even think about, and then its tomorrow, and we can't really remember yesterday.

I know that I won't always remember everything that our baby says and does and every moment we laugh about her or cry about her, but I hope that even when she's just brushing her hair, I will know that that's important.

One of the twenty sweet children whose lives were ended so early

Twenty-Two: Hippo + campus

Two weeks ago, at our last appointment, our midwife asked the group if any of us had or were experiencing pregnancy brain. I was like "Psh, whateva"

So you are probably wondering what pregnancy brain is. I'll explain.

In the past week:
a) I have broken two glasses..
b) and almost a third glass full of chocolate milk, which spilt in its entirety (tragic)
c) Completely missed my mouth while drinking a bottle of water during class
c) Spent twenty minutes walking around with an inadvertent toilet paper tail, approximately 1 foot in length, hanging from the back of my pants until I noticed it while looking at nail polish in Walmart and shamefully hid it in the shelf

That's what pregnancy brain is. Its being clumsy, forgetful, and basically an idiot.

Also, we talked about having weird dreams. Some of the other women spoke about having dreams that their husbands were cheating on them. I spoke about my dream of making out with Dwight Schrute. Then this week I had a really weird dream. I dreamt that I was standing in a mirror looking at my pregnant body, except that I was really skinny, like bony, and I didn't have a baby bump, but I could see the baby's body through my skin. Like I could see her moving, and even though it was disturbing, I was absolutely enchanted. And then my skin was transparent and I could see the baby completely. She had lots of dark brown hair and a birth mark above her eye (and a couple others but I can't remember where) and she was happy and then I woke up and I felt so confused. I don't know, it was just so strange, but for some reason I wanted to write it down so there you go.

So today was probably our last Ultrasound. Luckily, Little Sorensen decided to be more cooperative than usual and we got to see her from a better view. We even saw her little mouth open, and it was precious. She's been on the move all week and not a day has gone by without her moving several times.  By some genetic fluke, she appears to enjoy the morning hours. Also, last night Jordan was able to feel her for the first time. He had his hand on my belly and we waited and when I felt her move I turned to tell him but he had also turned to me so I knew that finally he felt her. Very happy moment. So back to the appointment, we also had Centering today. We got there late because our Ultrasound was late, but mostly we spent the class watching a breastfeeding video. It was sweet to watch the little babies trying to figure it out. Its so silly and sweet to watch them figure out the world. All around, it was a good day and the baby is still healthy and growing. As am I (now weighing in 21 lbs. heavier than pre-pregnancy..already).

My bra has become pasties, my favorite loose tee-shirts to sleep in have become that scene from "Tommy Boy"..you know.."fat guy in a little coat", my wedding ring is on a temporary hiatus, and my belly button doesn't stand a chance.

I'm over half-way there and I just don't know how to ever be grateful enough for this experience. I really don't.