Six months. Wow. I know that we still have a ways to go, but I feel significant achievement in reaching six months nonetheless. This week has been simple. I really don't have much to say. I can't stop thinking about Sandy Hook Elementary. My thoughts have been consumed by images of children crying and being scared and parents not knowing what to do with Christmas presents for the child they lost and I just can't stop thinking about it. A quiet sorrow has been hovering over me this week, and sinking its claws into my mind. When Dan died, I was absolutely traumatized. I would close my eyes and just see his lifeless face, so I couldn't sleep and I couldn't close my eyes. And I couldn't understand how it happened, and I can't understand what happened to these children. I can't understand how there could be a deeper grief and pain than what I felt when Dan died, but these were children, and their parents are feeling a deeper grief and pain, and I can't understand how they can still live through this. How can they do this? How can they wake up in the morning, how can they sleep. I just have to know that God is with them. I have to know that. I wonder if those children who died are watching their parents mourn and grieve, and I hope not. I hope that they don't have to see that. And I know that God is taking care of it, but it's so hard to know that.
I know that this is all repetitive from my last post, but I just want to know that children can be children. I want to know that when our daughter is a child, her only worry will be why the mean kid in class called her a "shrimp" and the toughest thing that we'll have to explain to her will be her pet hermit crab dying.
Children should be able to be children. I will never forget about Sandy Hook Elementary. Our daughter will know that we love her every day.
"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have."- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
It's a gloomy day and I just wish it would rain.
You are such a good writer. I'm sorry you've been feeling so sad. It's been on my mind a lot too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Heidi, I really appreciate it :) I hope you are feeling better and the pain is easing up some! I wonder if there are other things that you can do so you won't have to just take tylenol when it hurts, like something that would actually prevent it from being that painful in the first place. Hope you, Christian, and family have a Merry Christmas!
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