Twenty-Three: No Title Would Suffice

So, in a strange turn of events, I have regressed into a toddler.

I have at several moments in the past week convinced myself that I could solely eat sliced apples, cheddar cheese, and milk for the remaining months of my pregnancy. Oddly, I have been craving these pre-school snack time meals all week.

Even more bizarre, I have managed to be a responsible adult and conquer all  of the much dreaded bullet points on my to-do list this week. There were seven. Seven things I had to do, and believe me, doing all seven was a huge life accomplishment for me. Like, I felt like Neil Armstrong ("That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"). I kind of don't do things usually.

Then Friday. I spent much of Friday morning and noon listening to live news about Sandy Hook Elementary School. I really can't say much else other than I just simply can't imagine. I can't imagine. I remember that while getting myself dressed and what not, I stood at the mirror brushing my hair and thought- None of those children will ever brush their hair again, and none of their parents will be able to brush their hair for them again. And it was so real. And it wasn't just the news  or some place I've never been, but it was real, and for a small moment, I understood. But that was all, just that moment, and then it became the news again. And I am thankful for that moment. And I know that this all might sound strange or not make much sense, but I remember a moment like that before and it was when my friend Dan died.

Later that night I got a call from my mom and she said my Grandma was in the hospital. My Grandma is my best friend, she just is. I hadn't talked to her much this week and it had been on my mind. I had called her Thursday night and she didn't answer and I didn't feel okay about it. So when my mom called, it made sense. My Grandma is stable now, but I just thought the whole time- from when my mom called, during the ride to Maryland, during the time in the hospital, and the ride home to Virginia- I just thought that I couldn't imagine having our baby born in a world that didn't have my Grandma in it. I just couldn't imagine it. And I felt so broken-hearted. I felt so sad for the parents and families of those who died in Newtown and how they would have to somehow continue to live in this world. And I thought how at some point those moms felt those children in their belly kicking and moving around and wondering what they would look like and who they would become. I thought how the gunman's mom felt that too. Then I just didn't want to think about it anymore.

I don't really know why I'm saying this, but I just hope that we can all try not to take things for granted. We do it every day, but I hope that we all can try not to too often. And I hope that when we have moments, like the one I had while brushing my hair, we can remember them. Because that's sort of what makes our time on this earth important- when we really understand something, even if only for a second- because usually we just are sort of fumbling through, doing things that we don't even think about, and then its tomorrow, and we can't really remember yesterday.

I know that I won't always remember everything that our baby says and does and every moment we laugh about her or cry about her, but I hope that even when she's just brushing her hair, I will know that that's important.

One of the twenty sweet children whose lives were ended so early

Twenty-Two: Hippo + campus

Two weeks ago, at our last appointment, our midwife asked the group if any of us had or were experiencing pregnancy brain. I was like "Psh, whateva"

So you are probably wondering what pregnancy brain is. I'll explain.

In the past week:
a) I have broken two glasses..
b) and almost a third glass full of chocolate milk, which spilt in its entirety (tragic)
c) Completely missed my mouth while drinking a bottle of water during class
c) Spent twenty minutes walking around with an inadvertent toilet paper tail, approximately 1 foot in length, hanging from the back of my pants until I noticed it while looking at nail polish in Walmart and shamefully hid it in the shelf

That's what pregnancy brain is. Its being clumsy, forgetful, and basically an idiot.

Also, we talked about having weird dreams. Some of the other women spoke about having dreams that their husbands were cheating on them. I spoke about my dream of making out with Dwight Schrute. Then this week I had a really weird dream. I dreamt that I was standing in a mirror looking at my pregnant body, except that I was really skinny, like bony, and I didn't have a baby bump, but I could see the baby's body through my skin. Like I could see her moving, and even though it was disturbing, I was absolutely enchanted. And then my skin was transparent and I could see the baby completely. She had lots of dark brown hair and a birth mark above her eye (and a couple others but I can't remember where) and she was happy and then I woke up and I felt so confused. I don't know, it was just so strange, but for some reason I wanted to write it down so there you go.

So today was probably our last Ultrasound. Luckily, Little Sorensen decided to be more cooperative than usual and we got to see her from a better view. We even saw her little mouth open, and it was precious. She's been on the move all week and not a day has gone by without her moving several times.  By some genetic fluke, she appears to enjoy the morning hours. Also, last night Jordan was able to feel her for the first time. He had his hand on my belly and we waited and when I felt her move I turned to tell him but he had also turned to me so I knew that finally he felt her. Very happy moment. So back to the appointment, we also had Centering today. We got there late because our Ultrasound was late, but mostly we spent the class watching a breastfeeding video. It was sweet to watch the little babies trying to figure it out. Its so silly and sweet to watch them figure out the world. All around, it was a good day and the baby is still healthy and growing. As am I (now weighing in 21 lbs. heavier than pre-pregnancy..already).

My bra has become pasties, my favorite loose tee-shirts to sleep in have become that scene from "Tommy Boy"..you know.."fat guy in a little coat", my wedding ring is on a temporary hiatus, and my belly button doesn't stand a chance.

I'm over half-way there and I just don't know how to ever be grateful enough for this experience. I really don't.

Twenty-One: Just for Kicks

Finally, finally, finally. I knew. I knew that it had to be the baby moving around my belly and that it couldn't be anything else. Last Friday, when I came home from the Ultrasound, I felt it. And then on Monday, I felt it a lot, and even stronger. Even on the outside. It feels like tumbling or rolling and sometimes tapping. She's been laying kinda low the past couple of days, but here and there I will feel her. Jordan hasn't felt her moving yet, which makes us both sort of sad but it'll happen soon, we know that.

Now I just expect or anticipate the feeling all the time. I hold my hand on my belly and close my eyes and just wait. I feel sad when she doesn't move much, but when she does I could cry because I'm just so happy. 

Also, we bought our first baby stuff. Just a few things, because there were some really great online promotions and the diaper bag because there was one left and I have had my eye on it for a few months. We've also been given a few baby things from friends and my Aunt got us a little bouncer. It'll be nice once we move in May and can actually set up the baby's room, but for now and a little bit after she's born, she basically has her own corner. That's how it works in a dorm style apartment. 

In other news, the baby's the size of a large banana and is growing eyelashes (my superficial hope is that they are long and beautiful like the other eyelashes in my family) and eyebrows. She can swallow and taste and definitely move.

She's growing and moving and I can't wait to share that feeling with Jordan.

The sweet little hat that Baden made for Baby Sorensen. I'm also going to credit Robin just because

Twenty: Half Way There

First of all, I thought I might tell you that last Friday, I managed to throw-up in my lunchbox. I was in a hot van riding through the rambling mountains, so needless to say I knew it was going to happen. As soon as we arrived at the destination, I kindly offered a warning to the other passengers, asked for a plastic bag- for which I was given no response, and then it was decidedly so that the lunchbox would have to suffice. Immersed in embarrassment, I opted to discretely ride home with the barfy lunchbox shamefully at my feet. Jordan said we could wash it. I threw it in the trash. There have been these kind of weeks, but then there have been weeks far beyond what I could ever be grateful for.


This week was one of those. How perfectly fitting that Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

Five months, wow. I feel like I've been quietly waiting a while to get to this week. This morning we had our Ultrasound. Not to avoid The Great Gender Reveal, but there are several things which seem far more significant. First of all, the baby is perfectly healthy. All of the numbers and figures fell into the right range and the baby still has all of those fingers that I counted at week twelve. The baby was laying in the same position as last time, which is funny considering the fact that once again, her positioning playfully frustrated the nurse (conveniently causing another Ultrasound to be scheduled in two weeks so that the nurse can get a better look at the little face, yeyuh!). The nurse said the baby was laying like a little frog, with the feet curled under the legs. She showed us the umbilical cord and I asked if the little dot at the end would be the baby's belly button and the nurse said yes and that I was the first patient she has ever had to notice that. Funny. So although Baby S was being shy again, the nurse was able to point out that SHE is in fact a GIRL.

Call it what you will, but I've known it all along. I've just known.

So after spending the morning with my mom and Jordan listening and watching the baby, I gotta say, all of its worth it. The tears, the worry, being sick, being scared. Its worth it. Because Heaven isn't so far away, it just can't be.

Coincidentally, Jordan had gotten pink flowers for me at the end of last week

Nineteen: Sledding

Somehow, twenty seems triumphant, while nineteen seems merely..well..nineteen.

I've been thinking a lot lately, something I do quite too often. As I was driving the other day, I thought about my seven-hundred dollar Volkswagen that I had before I got married, and how I missed it. And I wondered why it made me sad to think that I'm twenty-five and married and have a brand new 2012 Ford. I think there's something about a seven-hundred dollar car and Jimi Hendrix tee-shirts and sleeping until noon that I will always miss in a strange way. Because at that point in my life I could've done anything, because it really wouldn't matter- not in a sad way, but in a way that meant I was just one person sort of floating around this world in my '97 Volkswagen. I think that everyone should drive a crappy car and listen to good real music before they grow up. I think that sometimes I forget who I am because I'm a semi-responsible student and a wife and almost a mother. But there once was just a long-dark-haired girl who listened to poems in songs and painted on the porch and slept in the sun during the day because nothing else really belonged to her- just her own thoughts. I just really feel like I needed to be that girl for a little while, and I think that I'm worried I'll forget about her one day.

Time is just so strange. Sometimes it seems to drag along unwillingly, and then sometimes it slips right out from underneath your feet. Maybe what frightens me really is that this baby will one day be an adult with responsibilty and a new car. I mean, of course that's a good thing- of course. But I just don't want the world to ever be tough for her, but I know sometimes it'll need to be, because that's just part of the plan.

"And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I hope that for Baby S, sledding is enough for as long as it can be.

Eighteen: Crampin' My Style

So finally- after tears, frustration, and anxiety- We had our long awaited appointment. After a month since our last appointment, hearing the beats of the baby's heart again was almost like a big warm hug. I've missed her. I think I'll be okay for now, our next appointment (the notorious gender reveal) is only a week and a half from now. My mom is going to join us for this appointment, which I'm happy for. I know that it will mean a lot to her. 

Anyways, the appointment today went well. I've gained seven pounds since our first appointment, YIKES! Other than that, we just talked all about baby mama drama, as in weird things going on with our minds and bodies. I really enjoy hearing all the other women's experiences. It was especially nice to talk about abdominal pain since I've been crampy all week. When you first are pregnant, you think- Oh yeah! No period for nine months, woop woop!- and then, you realize that what you DO experience is much more funky..and still..cramps. I guess the difference is that you end up with a beautiful little baby.

Well, I really don't have too many juicy details this week. I'll leave off with saying how grateful I am that our baby seems to be healthy and growing and that I have an awesome supportive husband who I can share this experience with. My heart is full.

Seventeen: Trick or (Tr)EAT

Just my favorite animal keeping my prenatal vitamins safe.
(Remind me to tell you oneday about the live bat (Battleship) that Jordan and I kept in a shoebox in our apartment for two weeks)

Happy Halloween!

Being my most favorite time of the year, one should assume that I took full advantage of my pregnancy and Jordan and I went as Paulie Bleeker and Juno. Of course its appropriate to dress up as a snarky teen who gets pregnant by her high school boyfriend and decides to give her baby up for adoption. Unfortunately, half of the kids didn't get it (because pg-13 movies are apparently not a big hit on campus). One girl said to me "I like your skirt".

Thanks dude. Because I wear skirts over top of my jeans on a regular basis. No.

Sadly, we only managed to take one crappy picture of us because we were so busy with the epic Haunted House we put on. It was absolutely amazing/terrifying, but also very stressful. With classes, exams, being pregnant, and the Haunted House- I definitely took on too much stress. Don't worry, I'll make it up this week by doing absolutely nothing but watching funny youtube videos and re-runs of The Office.

So between the stress and the extinction of morning sickness, I ate. Everything. Donuts, frozen yogurt, half a box of chocolates, chicken nuggets again, but mostly- everything in sight. Needless to say, I now feel like crap. Week seventeen was a rough one.

But wait! Before you engage in my self pity, I have excellent news. Week eighteen brings many good tidings: The presidential election (I guess..), a new episode of Parks and Rec, a new episode of The Office, and drum roll please?...

FINALLY, my Centering appointment! After a month of anxiously and desperately waiting, I am so thankful that in less than a week I will hear Baby's heartbeat again.

So although week seventeen was a little crazy, I am grateful for getting to where I am now.

I can't wait for our appointment on Friday. I'm sure I will have much to say.