I have at several moments in the past week convinced myself that I could solely eat sliced apples, cheddar cheese, and milk for the remaining months of my pregnancy. Oddly, I have been craving these pre-school snack time meals all week.
Even more bizarre, I have managed to be a responsible adult and conquer all of the much dreaded bullet points on my to-do list this week. There were seven. Seven things I had to do, and believe me, doing all seven was a huge life accomplishment for me. Like, I felt like Neil Armstrong ("That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"). I kind of don't do things usually.
Then Friday. I spent much of Friday morning and noon listening to live news about Sandy Hook Elementary School. I really can't say much else other than I just simply can't imagine. I can't imagine. I remember that while getting myself dressed and what not, I stood at the mirror brushing my hair and thought- None of those children will ever brush their hair again, and none of their parents will be able to brush their hair for them again. And it was so real. And it wasn't just the news or some place I've never been, but it was real, and for a small moment, I understood. But that was all, just that moment, and then it became the news again. And I am thankful for that moment. And I know that this all might sound strange or not make much sense, but I remember a moment like that before and it was when my friend Dan died.
Later that night I got a call from my mom and she said my Grandma was in the hospital. My Grandma is my best friend, she just is. I hadn't talked to her much this week and it had been on my mind. I had called her Thursday night and she didn't answer and I didn't feel okay about it. So when my mom called, it made sense. My Grandma is stable now, but I just thought the whole time- from when my mom called, during the ride to Maryland, during the time in the hospital, and the ride home to Virginia- I just thought that I couldn't imagine having our baby born in a world that didn't have my Grandma in it. I just couldn't imagine it. And I felt so broken-hearted. I felt so sad for the parents and families of those who died in Newtown and how they would have to somehow continue to live in this world. And I thought how at some point those moms felt those children in their belly kicking and moving around and wondering what they would look like and who they would become. I thought how the gunman's mom felt that too. Then I just didn't want to think about it anymore.
I don't really know why I'm saying this, but I just hope that we can all try not to take things for granted. We do it every day, but I hope that we all can try not to too often. And I hope that when we have moments, like the one I had while brushing my hair, we can remember them. Because that's sort of what makes our time on this earth important- when we really understand something, even if only for a second- because usually we just are sort of fumbling through, doing things that we don't even think about, and then its tomorrow, and we can't really remember yesterday.
I know that I won't always remember everything that our baby says and does and every moment we laugh about her or cry about her, but I hope that even when she's just brushing her hair, I will know that that's important.
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| One of the twenty sweet children whose lives were ended so early |
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