Nineteen: Sledding

Somehow, twenty seems triumphant, while nineteen seems merely..well..nineteen.

I've been thinking a lot lately, something I do quite too often. As I was driving the other day, I thought about my seven-hundred dollar Volkswagen that I had before I got married, and how I missed it. And I wondered why it made me sad to think that I'm twenty-five and married and have a brand new 2012 Ford. I think there's something about a seven-hundred dollar car and Jimi Hendrix tee-shirts and sleeping until noon that I will always miss in a strange way. Because at that point in my life I could've done anything, because it really wouldn't matter- not in a sad way, but in a way that meant I was just one person sort of floating around this world in my '97 Volkswagen. I think that everyone should drive a crappy car and listen to good real music before they grow up. I think that sometimes I forget who I am because I'm a semi-responsible student and a wife and almost a mother. But there once was just a long-dark-haired girl who listened to poems in songs and painted on the porch and slept in the sun during the day because nothing else really belonged to her- just her own thoughts. I just really feel like I needed to be that girl for a little while, and I think that I'm worried I'll forget about her one day.

Time is just so strange. Sometimes it seems to drag along unwillingly, and then sometimes it slips right out from underneath your feet. Maybe what frightens me really is that this baby will one day be an adult with responsibilty and a new car. I mean, of course that's a good thing- of course. But I just don't want the world to ever be tough for her, but I know sometimes it'll need to be, because that's just part of the plan.

"And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I hope that for Baby S, sledding is enough for as long as it can be.